0 6 min 7 yrs

When I think of a creature feature, the following things come to my mind pretty immediately: giant mutant lizards, building-scaling gorillas, zombie beavers and whirlwinds of sharks. Most of these types of movies are great, usually, just because they’re stupid fun to watch. Others are just stupid, like the one I’m going to tell you about here. Buckle up, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

I just watched a film called Tsunambee, which comes to us from writer/director Milko Davis and Wild Eye Releasing. I wish that was all I had to say about this. Holy shit you guys, this movie is just dumb. In general, it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

We start off with what appears to be a lone survivor of whatever’s taking place, walking in the woods with a log in her hand. Wailing, morose music plays in the background as we watch her walk along. She stops to have an impromptu arts and crafts moment with the log and a rock, and winds up creating a huge cross, which she thrusts into the sky. With no further explanation, we’re done with her. Fade to black and some passage from Revelations pops up on the screen.

Suddenly, in the next scene, we’re thrown into a jungle in Nigeria with a random group of people who are on some expedition, when lo and behold, they come upon a bunch of ginormous, writhing bee hives hanging from the trees. One of the members of the group makes the brilliant observation that they’re probably not safe.  They look up at the trees at that moment, then they all start hauling ass…trying to outrun the swarm of really poorly done CGI bees that is supposedly aiming for them. One of the members runs, then backs into a tree for whatever reason and screams as a giant, cartoonish bee flies across the screen. Fade to black again, and bring on the flashes of more Bible passages and the title screen. Yeah, pray hard, ‘cause even God can’t save you from this mess of a movie.

Once Tsunambee resumes, we’re in L.A. and essentially find out the it’s the end of times, where the CGI effects get even more ridiculous. We’re introduced to our partial cast of characters, which include a couple of gang members (?) and their female counterpart. These folks reminded me of the group, Black Eyed Peas for some reason, don’t ask. They yell about having to leave and quickly pile out of their hotel room…committing a true asshole move by leaving their dog behind. Moving forward, they somehow meet up with the rest of our cast, made up of a lady sheriff and a couple of slack-jawed yokels, in the middle of nowhere. Naturally, there’s got to be a conflict between these people due to race and lifestyle. They yell and insult each other, because what else are you really supposed to do while ginormous, killer bees swarm all around you? I mean, really?

Eventually, they decide that they need to get away from the bees, but not before a couple of them get offed. Mind you, these bees don’t have giant awesome killer stingers. There are no scenes of anyone getting violently impaled. Nada. Alls we get is shitty CGI blood splatter when a bee nails their victim. Oh, I forgot the best part! Apparently, once you get killed by the bees, you turn into a zombie…or should it be a zom-bee? Who knows? Who cares?

Anyway, so the group manages to kind of get along for the sake of survival. They conveniently find a house in the middle of nowhere to take shelter in, after they basically perform a home invasion. They tie up the homeowner, because they don’t trust him, but soon discover that the guy has a young daughter and decide to befriend her. The daughter tells the sheriff that her mother got killed by the bees, and the sheriff responds by telling her a story about something that doesn’t matter to the story at hand. There’s also a lot of questioning the existence of a heaven and hell from this point on. Speaking for myself, I can assure you that there is a hell…and there’s a special place for this movie in it. How does it all end? Believe me when I tell you that it ends just as idiotically as it begins.

In wrapping this up, I wouldn’t recommend Tsunambee to even my worst enemy. Like I’ve said before, I’m a fan of B-movies. I’m a fan of indie films. But, I’m not a fan of this movie at all. The story doesn’t make any sense, the acting and dialogue are terrible and the effects look like they were made by a group of toddlers during an arts n’ crafts session. The gore is minimal. The humor falls flat. Essentially, it’s just not fun to watch, like B-movies are meant to be.

But, don’t take my word for it. If you have time to waste, look for Tsunambee available now on VOD and let me know what you think.